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Friday, November 14, 2014

An Amusing Thing Happened on the Bus Coming Home Today



Oh MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!! I swear I nearly shit my pants twice on the bus going home from work today. The reason I had the urge to deploy brown missiles? You ask. I swear I fucking came close to finding The Undiscovered Country. The thing is, Eric Morse lovers and haters, is that a fucking complete retard who is a regular on the bus, let’s call him Big Five Retard because he works at Big Five Sporting Goods in San Mateo. Why I call this guy a retard is because this guy will start jammering at the first person who makes eye contact with him, whether they want to talk or not. I, myself, have had to endure this torture on more than one occasion and have wanted to strangle the fucking bitch.
Well, on this lovely evening what I can only describe as a skinhead psycho security guard guy with a rather large pistol on his belt got on the bus dragging along with him one of those roller bags people are dragging around. His was Camo. Lovely. Also, I failed to mention the fact that he had Nazi symbols tattooed on his knuckles. Comforting.
Well, Skinhead Psycho Security Guard Guy gets on and immediately Big Five Retard addresses him. “Hello. How are you doing tonight. I am real tired myself because I work in retail and you walk a lot and bend and pick things up….” He blabbered on.
Psycho Security Guard Guy tells him flat out. “I don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left alone.”
Well, undeterred, Big Five Retard asks him, “Are you religious, sir?”
Skinhead Psycho Security Guard Guy tells him, “ I don’t believe in any religion, not after what I’ve seen in the world. I believe in the glowing light of the harsh truth that others cannot face.”
Now excuse me, if anyone said that to me I would end the conversation right there and slowly make my way to the back of the bus and safety. Not Mr FUCKTARD Retardo. Nope, the brain trust continued on. Honestly, people, my jaw was on the floor. This fucker was asking to have his brains splattered on the windshield of the bus. I fucking swear to you.
Then Big Five Retard starts on the subject of morality. I shit you not! He starts, “Well, not to be insulting, because I’m a nice guy and I try not to insult others. I’m in retail so I know how to talk to people, but it seems to me that morally most people are reading from the wrong book…”
 Skinhead Psycho Security Guard Guy says, “I don’t have a good opinion on humanity, not after all I’ve seen and suffered. People are nothing but trash and they all deserve a bullet in the head in my opinion.”
And yet again Big Five Retard doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up and continues to yammer and Skinhead Psycho Security Guard Guy. Oh, joy! He say, “I did not want to offend you, sir, I’m a nice guy who just likes to talk to people like I do at work.”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” I silently scream at him. “Please, Skinhead Psycho Security Guard Guy, shoot him but spare the rest of us!”
Then God was merciful and we came to Big Five Retard’s stop. He gets off and waves a happy goodbye to all of us and leaves.
At that moment I let out my breath. I don’t know when I started holding it, all I know is I let it out. And a tear ran down my cheek.
If I could have I would have fallen off my seat and kissed the dirty nasty floor. I SURVIVED.
Amusingly enough after that Skinhead Psycho Security Guard Guy took his bag and gun and went to sit by himself in the back.
Finally, after an eternity, I got off the bus. To my shock Skinhead Psycho Security Guard Guy got off at the same stop as me. He glared at me and said, “You have a nice evening.”
I just nodded my head and carefully made my way past him and away.
I heard him say under his breath as I walked away, “I am a sinner.”
I wasn’t going to argue with him. I was just happy to be still alive….

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