Review: Jacob's Wife (2021)

Review:Jacob’s Wife (2021)

By William Pattison

This time I got a feminist vampire movie staring Barbara Crampton…

 

Anne, married to a small-town Minister, feels her life has been shrinking over the past 30 years. Encountering "The Master" brings her a new sense of power and an appetite to live bolder. However, the change comes with a heavy body count.

Now let me start out by saying this review is an update of the original review I did on the original Horror Bob’s Blog on Overblog five years ago, and five years is not that long amount of time for a movie. Unfortunately, this film is not aging at all well, I was actually nice when I originally reviewed this film all those years ago, but years of social justice and “THE MESSAGE” has made me less then sentimental. All the annoying blemishes in this film are now blazingly clear.

This film, which was basically a feninistist Fright Night ripoff has now become far less entertaining and more like nails on a chalkboard. The supposed humor is not at all funny and the big bad in the film, “The Master” is not at all scary and is just a vehicle to lecture in your face about the slavery of women by men…Seriously people! This film makes the remake of Fright Night look fantastic and preferable…and I HATE the Fright Night remake with a passion. This film makes me feel sorry for Barbara Crampton for having to be associated to this turd. The poor woman had to work overtime to hold this production together.

So, unless you have pink, blue, or green hair and haven’t shaved your legs since 2020 you will not enjoy this film. This film is like a teenager who had nasty skin issues…it is full of unattractive pock marks…

So, here is a question…How do you end an update review of an in your face feminist vampire film?  You get in your face…

So it is now time for me to get in YOUR faces. I stopped giving sugar coated reviews years ago after dealing with the crap The Soskas were putting out and reading other review sites saying “This is one of the best films to come out in the last five years. It is not a perfect film but still it is genius…” GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!! It’s  like calling a turd in a punch bowl a Baby Ruth!!! If it is a turd it is a turd. A genius film by calling it such means it is a perfect film. To call an imperfect film genius is to show that you are a complete fucking idiot.A genius film is a film that is perfect and cannot be improved because it is perfect Already. Point made. In your face rant over. Remember that Rue Morgue and Dread Central… Stop shooting yourselves in the foot. You people are getting paid by the fans…I’m  not.

Review: The Laughing Mask (2014)

Review: The Laughing Mask (2014)

By William Pattison

This time I’ve got a film with a bad guy who deserved a better movie…

A grisly murder perpetrated by a deranged killer, Jake Johnson's wife and daughter were murdered by a Psychotic vigilante only known as The Laughing Mask. As the police look for clues and the body count begins to rise, Johnson will play a dangerous game in order to avenge his family' death.

As I said above The Laughing Mask killer definitely deserved a better movie then he got. I really liked this killer, he had potential, That mask alone is iconic. unfortunately he got stuck in this film, even though it bares his name. The problem with this film is the low budget production value and a cast full of uneven and bad performances.  Laughing Mask is too good a character. I really liked the style of the character. But he is stuck in this movie and it is a waste of a good slasher. Oh, well…

So if you want to see a slasher that needs a far better sequel, this is the film you should check out.

You can find this film on Tubi TV and Fawsome…

Review: Mirrormask (2006)

Review: Mirrormask (2006)

By William Pattison

This time I got a dark fantasy that was written by Neal Gaiman, the writer of Sandman….

Helena, a 15-year-old girl in a family of circus entertainers, often wishes she could run off and join real life. After a fight with her parents about her future plans, her mother falls quite ill and Helena is convinced that it is all her fault. On the eve of her mother's major surgery, she dreams that she is in a strange world with two opposing queens, bizarre creatures, and masked inhabitants. All is not well in this new world - the white queen has fallen ill and can only be restored by the MirrorMask, and it's up to Helena to find it. But as her adventures continue, she begins to wonder whether she's in a dream, or something far more sinister.

So, what do you get when you team the Henson company with Neal Gaiman? You get an overflow of unique creativity. This fantasy film is on another level when compared to other films in this genre. This film is actually unique when it comes to the work of Henson because it doesn’t rely on puppetry. I stead this film uses multiple styles of animation to create this world and its creatures. As well the music track for this film is extremely chaotic and experimental. It actually makes the music itself a character in this story.

Neal Giaman explores the concepts of duality as well as identity in that uniquely Giaman way and in that way makes this one of his more intriguing projects. This is one of Giaman’s works that doesn’t seem to get enough love. Mainly because this film is an insane mix of style, twisted creativity, with a strong dose of intellectuality that can be easily missed in all buy multilayered visuals. Still, this is a film you could watch a hundred times and still not catch everything. This one is truly one of Giaman’s best works.

This is a film that is a must see…

 

Review: Meridian, Aka Meridian: Kiss of the Beast (1990)

Review: Meridian, aka Meridian: Kiss of the Beast (1990)

By William Pattison

This time I’m reviewing Charles Band’s Beauty and Beast tale that was one of the opening Full .Moon Films.

An American heiress returns to her ancestral Italian castle where a traveling carnival brings performers who hide ancient evil beneath their smiles. Shadows pool in gothic arches as two women drink wine that burns with betrayal, their bodies becoming contested ground between a magician's hunger and a beast's cursed existence. The castle breathes with memory; portraits watch. Catherine moves through corridors where past and present bleed together, her inheritance proving more than stone and title. She must choose between breaking centuries of punishment or preserving her own survival.

 This was the second release from Charles Band’s newly formed Full Moon Pictures, after the popular Puppet Master. This was the only attempt to do a hard core fantasy film by Full Moon. It is also one of the better of the early Full Moon films with its dark fantasy, psycho sexual style

This film features the iconic Italian Park of Monsters, which was also featured in the classic Christopher Lee horror film Castle of the Living Dead. In many ways this film is a sequel to the Lee classic.

Sherilyn Fen plays Catherine, the kove interest of Oliver, aka The Beast. This film features an intense sex scene between Catherine and The Beast as well as a rape scene with Charlie Sprdling, who plays Catherine*s friend and will be the future Full Moon spokes girl.

Also, the beast costume was so well constructed that years later Francis Ford  Coppella reused it with a few minor alterations in Bram Stocker’s Dracula.

The only unfortunate thing about this film is the ending is so predictable and fast that it is so unsatisfying given the rest of the film. Also, unfortunate is that Full Moon bever did another dark fantasy film. The only film even close to this film is castle Freak and it is not even close to the style of this film.

So, if you want to see a rare attempt by Charles Band to do dark fantacy this is your film.

Review: Frankenstein Island (1981)

Review; Frankenstein Island (1981)

By William Pattison

This time I got a 1981 Frankenstein film that stars John Carradine

Frankenstein Island (1981)

When a hot air balloon crashes on a remote island, the crew discovers Dr. Frankenstein's descendant, Dr. Sheila Frankenstein, carrying on the family work, along with a race of mutants and a population of Amazon warriors. Somehow, the Frankenstein Monster is also thrown into the mix.

If there was ever a film that entiplifies the word absurd this is the film. The fact that this film was made and came out in the era that brought us Star Wars and ET shows just how insane this film is because this film is literally a film that is out of time. It is a film that should have come out on the late 60s, not 1981. The production values, music, storyline, andacting look at least 15 years out of date .

One time horror icons John Carradine and Cameron Michelle had to have been royally in need of money to have accepted the roles they ended up with. John Carradine plays Doctor Frankenstein, who is now a cult leader who has died and cames back as a projectíon who spouts monologues. Cameron Mitchelle plays a crazy man who spouts quotes from Edgar Allen Poe and morns his dead Lenore and stalks one of the tribal women that supposedly looks like her

Oh, and Frankenstein’s monster shows up atOne point for no good reason, but it is the best part of the movie bevause the gentleman who was playing the monster did a picture perfect performance of the classic James Whales Frankenstein monster. Boris Karloff what be proud. Unfortunately, the rest of the film is just plain weird and badly acted and produced. This film is FRANKENFREAKY and you will need a ton of pot and acid to make sense of this funky throwback to the time when hippies ruled the world…in no ways an 80s film…

 

Revíew: The Last Frankenstein (2021)

Review: The Last Frankenstein (2021)

By William Pattison

This time I’m reviewing an independent low budget Frankenstien film I’ve never heard about, which is rare…Oh boy!

Buried in a dormant life and a dead end relationship, Dr. Jason Frankenstein, the last of his family, finds himself frustratingly approaching the middle of his life with little progress to show towards carrying forward his family's experiment. But after a creature from his past brutally re-enters his life, he is catalyzed to finally complete his work. With the help of a pair of drug dealing paramedics and a nurse with a shady past, he sets down the blood-soaked path to create a living being from the bodies of the dead.

Now just to let you know I’m a Frankenstein fanatic. I love Frankenstein films. I love a serious Frankenstein film. I love tacky, freaky Frankenstein films. I’ve  never found a Frankenstein film that didn’t entertain me, until today…

This film is a boring, slow paced, mess with no talent, except for the poor camera man who did an excellent job shooting this turd. The acting is wooden. The main character and the guy playing him is a hopeless loser. Seriously, this guy played the part with no heart at all. He was just speaking lines. He is supposed to be married but there was nothing there. And, when it came down to it it was the same with even the guys playing the creatures in the film, though the last one did a little better, which isn’t saying much.

And, speaking about the creatures, they were all guys wearing cheap masks. There was no real attempt at making a creature worthy of the name Frankenstein.

To put it simply this film was a horrible waste of time and a blatant insult to the title of Frankenstein. This film is royally FRANKENSHIT!!! Avoid like the plague..

Review: Hellraiser Rebute (2022)

Review: Hellraiser Rebute (2022)

By William Pattison

Ok, now we finish our marathon of Hellraiser reviews with the Hulu Hellraiser Rebute.

Haunted by pain and guilt, Riley has struggled for years to break her addictions. After a heated argument with her brother, she and her boyfriend stumble upon a mysterious box in an abandoned storage warehouse. Convinced they have struck gold, their early retirement plan takes a dark turn when Riley unwittingly unlocks its secrets. Suddenly, people around her start to vanish or die. As she uncovers a disturbing connection between the artefact and a shady American investor with a penchant for the occult, Riley uncovers a terrifying truth: the enigmatic object serves as a gateway for the Hell Priestess and the Cenobites. With exquisite suffering as the ultimate reward, what if one person's angels are another's demons?

After the disastrous period Hellraiser needed a well deserved Rebute and Hulu has done this brilliantly.

For one thing they have given us reimagined Cenobites that far more resemble the ones in Clive Barker’s bovella. Their “clothing” is actually made from their own skin. The Hell Priest is actually played by  transsexual actress, Jamie Clayton,  makes her Pinhead not really either gender, like in the.story. all the other Cenobites, including an updated Chatterer are some of the best put on screen in years.

Even the iconic puzzle box is updated. Now the box marks its victims by cutting them and drawing blood. Also this box radically changes its shat with each use. As well in this version of the puzzle also requires sacrifices as well. And, at the end the survivor of the puzzle gets a choice of fates, but in this game nothing is as expected.

What this film strongly reminds me of is the remake of Evil Dead in that it is clearly Hellraiser but it is enhanced and in some ways more brutal. It is the perfect Rebute after all the damage done to the franchise by Dimension. I really see if handled by the correct hand this could lead to Hellraiser being better than ever. The pain could be wonderous!

If you are a Hellraiser fan, this is the film you’ve been waiting years for.