Review: Crusificion (2017)

Review: The Crucification (2017)

By William Pattison

This time I have an exorcism try hriller that is supposedly based on true events…

Nicole Rawlins, an American journalist with a complicated relationship to Catholicism, travels to Romania to report on the criminal trial of a priest accused of killing a nun during an exorcism ritual. What begins as skeptical inquiry shifts when Nicole encounters Father Anton and starts experiencing visions she cannot rationalize. The story lives in that uneasy middle space between investigative procedural and supernatural horror, pulling Nicole toward belief she has spent years resisting while something unseen appears to be pulling back.

Ok, I just finished watching this movie and thought it was a very entertaining  demon exorcism film. Do I believe the thing about it being based on actual events? I doubt it. Was a nune crucified on a cross burning an exorcism by members of the Roman Catholic church? All I can say is freaky shit happens with those people. Do I think a female journalist went to Rome and had a bunch of demonic shit happen…Naw, but it makes a good horror movie.

I think the filmmakers were doing a standard story about faith and a person who either had none or lost their faith getting some during a drive by demonic forces…Actually standard fare for the demon/exorcism genre of horror.

When it comes to the truth of saying it is based on real events that is at the most ten percent true at the most. It is just the studio trying to sell DVDs. It’s mostly stardatdized fiction. Nothing more. Do the research and see if I’m  right about this.

Now, if you are a fan of this subgenre of horror you will love it. It’s got all the demon goodness fans love in these films, so you will definitely enjoy it..

Review: Grettle and Hansel (2020)

Review: Grettle and Hansel (2020)

By William Pattison

This time I have a feminist reimaging of a famous Grim fairytale…

 

Siblings, Gretel and Hansel live in the countryside with their mother. When times are hard and Gretel can’t find work, their mother sends them out to fend for themselves. As they journey through the dark forest without clothes nor supplies, they come upon a house with good-smelling food, and decide to temporarily stay there in care of an old woman. As they recover from fatigue, they uncover odd things which might prevent them from getting out alive.

 I know what some of you assholes are going to say…This film was directed by Osgood Perkins, who is obviously a man so it can’t  be a feminist film. My answer to this is obviously you haven’t  heard of male feminists. Yes, there are males that are so up the female asses they practically have vaginas themselves. Osgood Perkins I. Most definitely one of these beings.

But unlike so many filmmakers during this period during the WOKE era Osgood did preach “The Message”. There was a tiny bit of WOKE content but it quickly got over and done with and the story could continue.

I was so thankful that this male feminist still showed some respect for the sibling relationship, which was the center of this story. It could have easily deteriorated into super female/bad male situation.

Thankfully we got Grettle as the big sister protecting her dependent little brother who she loved very much. It came off very real and very honest.

The late great Alice Krige was awesome as the witch. She could have easily been miss used but she came out as one of the high marks of this film.

Yes, when I saw the change in the story title I cringed and was unsure of this film. But Osgood and crew did a great job. I actually have to say that this film is definitely AWESOMETACULAR!!!

 

 

Review; Innocent Blood (1992)

Review: Innocent Blood (1992)

By William Pattison

This time I got a review about a film about vampires and gangsters…

Marie has two appetites, sex and blood. Her career as a vampire is going along fine until two problems come up, she is interrupted while feeding on Sal (The Shark) Macelli and she begins to develop a relationship with the policeman who has been trying to put Sal away. Sal wakes up in the morgue very confused and very thirsty. He goes back to his old haunts and begins to create an organized crime family of vampires while Marie and her policeman lover hunt him.

 

What do you get when you combine the legendary John Landis with vampires and gangsters…? You get an amazing horror love letter to all the classic crime films and a vampire film like no other.

This film is loaded with actors who made their careers playing playing Mafia guys.

Robert Loggia plays the big boss Sal The Shark, who becomes the mob boss from Hell when he gets turned into a member of the undead.

Comedian Don Rickles plays the mob lawyer who ends up getting turned into a vampire and given the most brutal and disturbing ending in the film.

Actress Anne Parillaud plays the hungry and sex starved vampire Marie. Parillaud’s skinny frame makes her the perfect casting for the desperate vampire out for an Italian meal.

Anthony Lapaglia plays Joe Gennare,an undercover police officer who becomes Marie’s new love interest.

One of the most interesting aspects of the vampires in this film is their eyes that glow. One of the most interesting scenes in the film is where Marie is having sex with Joe. Her eyes glow and change colors with her increasing excitement.

It was actually the one of a kind vampire eye fx that made this film so unique. I never saw another film featuring eye FX like the ones in this film. It was one of the reasons that this film stuck in my mind.

The sad thing about this film is that for the longest time you couldn’t  find it anywhere. After I saw this film in the theatre over thirty years ago it just plain vanished. I had spent years looking for a copy with no luck. Then a few years ago I found it on amusingly Tubi TV. It was a happy day for me, and now a happy day for you because you can now get the pleasure of seeing this wonderful vampire film. With all my heart I can say that this film is AWESOMETACULAR!!!!!

Review: Miss Wilorghby and the Haunted Bookstore (2019)

Review: Miss Willorghby and the Haunted Book Shop (2021)

By William Pattiso

This time I got an amusing paranormal mystery..

Tragically orphaned at a young age, Elizabeth Willoughby inherited her impressive family estate and was raised by retired US Marine, Robert. Under his watchful guidance, her childhood was spent studying strategy, history and literature, all the while mastering the ancient arts of combat. Now an Ancient Civilization professor at University, Willoughby receives a call from family friends, Helen and Oliver Deakins, who have been experiencing a series of hauntings at their antique bookshop. With nobody else to turn to, and knowing Willoughby's insatiable appetite for investigation, Helen asks Willoughby to get to the bottom of this paranormal mystery.

Don’t expect any jump scares, blood, or even cool makeup fx in this film. I’m  a big fan of British style mysteries and that is what this film is. It is a charming mystery movie with interesting characters and an interesting sleuth, this time being Elizabeth “Lizzy” Willoghby.

Lizzy is played to perfection by actress Nathalie Cox and joined by Kelsey Grammar as her guardian Robert Whindgate. Together Cox and Grammar are excellently paired as the sleuth and her “Watson”.

As far as the mystery itself, it is nothing much. It is actually very predictable. I. Fact the ghost in the story really doesn’t  make much of an impression.  Also, the haunted bookshop is only in a couple of scenes. So, don’t  expect any scares. This film isn’t  a horror film, even though it is in the horror section of Fawesome.

When it comes down to it this film is very character forward and mystery is really in the background. It is more about seeing Miss Willoghby doing her thing and just enjoying the characters.

Personally, I would love to see Lizzy and Robert come back for another adventure or even a series of mysteries. This movie was a fun ride.

So, with all this said, get yourself a pot of English tea, some Bangers and Mash, and an English Trifle and sit back and enjoy the show. I know I did…

Review Vivarium (2019)

Review: Vivarium (2019)

By William Pattison

This time I got a film that would put a smile on Rod Sterling’s face…

Aspiring to acquire their dream home, Gemma, a primary school teacher, and her boyfriend, Tom, follow Martin, a creepy real estate agent, to the idyllic suburban development called Yonder. But there, surrounded by identical, picture-perfect houses, the young couple is in for a big surprise--and it is not about the suspiciously affordable price of the pastel-coloured, eerily vacant house. Is house #9, indeed, the ideal home?

This is an incredibly freaky film. The filmmakers found, or might have built one of the most disturbingly plain house in a plain housing project in film history.this place is pleasantville on acid. And even more creepy is there is not a living soul who lives there…well except for the main characters and one of the most creepy creepy kids I’ve  experienced in film with a screech that puts the kid from The Barbadook to shame.

Basically this film is a nilistic representation of the boredom, monotony, and tedium of living in an urban existence, but in a horror and psychological way. It is literally the circle of human life in modern times viewed in an otherworldly manner. It is a show burn for the most part, so don’t  expect monsters or any jump scares. This is a beast of a different type from what most horror fans are used to.

 Jesse Eisenberg and Imogen Poots play Tom and Gemma, the unfortunate couple stuck in the *perfect* community from hell. Also Senan Jennings plays the creepiest creepy boy I’ve  ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot. Also  Eanna Hardwick plays the older boy this son of Satan grows into.

This film is really a work that could have been part of The Twilight zone. It hits heavily in the psychological and gives you clues to what is going on but infact never actually tells you. You literally come out of this film wondering if it was aliens or what the hell was happening. But I can tell you that the ride is enough and you can figure it out in your own head cannon. B

For me it was a trip well taken and one I will happily recommend…

 

 

Review: Neon Maniacs (1987)

Review: Neon Maniacs (1987)

By William Pattison

All right we end our series of iconic films that were made in San Mateo and San Francisco Counties with a film that barely managed to get finished.

Yes, I’m talking about  that amusing monster mash Neon Maniacs.

This film has an awesome concept. It is about a bunch of cool individual monsters and killers from another reality that come to this world to hunt and slaughter. Sounds great. But unfortunately you end up with money picking asshole producers and you get this sad abused piece of cult horror. So, much potential but destroyed by the studio..

This production was riddled with issues that nearly caused the film to not be finished. First off there were originally supposed to be twenty five of the title creatures but the producers ended up having to cut the number of creatures in half due to financial issues. Also one of the maniac actors quit because the production started to cost cut and changed the contracts of the actors. The production found a replacement for the actor but because the makeup and costume department had to rework the character to fit the new actor a bunch of the members of both departments got cut to make up the money. Eventually the incompentant producers cut so much of the production budget they had to cut a lot of the origin scenes for the monsters as well as cut out a lot of the major kill scenes. In the end the film that ended up being produced bore no resemblance to the original script what the filmmaker intended. The entire origin of the Maniacs were cut down to a voice over monologue and a guy finding a bag with Maniac trading cards with the rough hint that the individual creatures came from the cards themselves, even though later thestory has something about a bus and a hinted portal. Anyway, as you can guess this film is a bit of a mess. The creatures are cool and it would have been great if someone had put out Neon Maniac action figures, with the trading cards of course. But as a film this piece of San Francisco film history has a shitload of issues.

His film is a prime example of how fucked up it is to work with producers who don’t understand film production.

Viewers are lucky they managed to get anything near to a coherent film in the end. The scenes they managed to shoot had potential but the film is so Frankensteined together it is loaded with scenes that go against others and are  full of missing info and plot holes. No good.

In many scenes you see the actors struggling with their performances.Yet somehow with everything wrong with this film it is amazingly entertaining in spite of itself. It’s  an interesting hot mess with cool monsters and in the end by some magical bit does the job. What more can I say???

Review: The Video Dead (1987)

Review: The Video Dead  (1987)

For our second iconic horror film that was made in San Mateo and San Francisco counties is one of the most unique zombie films you will ever find…

The writer Henry Jordan receives a mysterious TV set and soon he learns that the apparatus is a gateway through which undead come to the world of the living. They kill Henry and the house is sold to another family. The teenager Zoe Blair comes to house to clean it for her parents that are traveling abroad. Her brother Jeff Blair comes later to help Zoe and finds the TV set in the basement. He brings to his room and out of the blue, the stranger Joshua Daniels knocks on the door. Joshua explains that he sent a TV set mistakenly to that address, instead of to the Department of Occult Warfare. Jeff does not believe in Joshua, but soon he leans the truth about the TV of the undead.

The zombies in The Video Dead are different from any other zombies in film. These are not exactly real zombies. They are characters brought to life and set loose our would through a cursed TV set. These zombies only kill people if they show fear. Also, like anything that comes out of the cursed TV they are afraid of mirrors because when they look into one they can see their lack of a soul. Also, únlike your usual zombie these are highly intelligent and can use tools and weapons to kill people. Also, if you lock the zombies in a room together they go nuts and eat each other.

In the film we see a couple other decisions from the TV. One is the seductrice who tries to seduce the teenaged main character. Also there is The Garbage Man who is a human who found a way inside the TV and has been spending years hunting The Video Dead in the TV world.

Unfortunately the film itself is an unfinished work. A third of the film was never finished due to the fact that the people financing the film pulled their money two thirds of the way through the production. This caused the filmmaker to have to cut out parts of the film that would have better explained certain things in the plot, like The Garbage Man and The Seductress. Still, the filmmaker managed to shoot the origin scenes, and a usable ending. But thankfully through carful editing they managed to put together a complete film, unlike the film in my next review.

All in all The Video Dead is a unique and well done cult classic low budget horror film.

If you are a zombie fan you will not want to miss these zombies…