My friend Lucas Malone tells me that my life is like an epic
novel. Yeah, a totally fucked up novel written by Terry Gilliam. A good example
of why I make this statement is what happened on the bus ride home this
afternoon. I had to take a side trip to a costume shop near my work named House
of Humor (I had to get makeup for the zombie makeup jobs I’m doing next Friday
so we can go to Zombie-O-Rama in San Jose) so I didn’t catch my usual bus at the usual
location. Instead I caught the notorious 390 bus. This bus is notorious to me
because every time I catch this damned bus freakiness ensues. This time it was
in spades. I got on the bus, which was pretty much full and I had to try to fit
myself, my backpack, and my computer bag, aka my mobile office, into a very
narrow seat next to Jabba the Hutt. I’m serious, people, this guy had to weight
at least 500 pounds. He took up two entire seats on the sideway row of seats in
the back that I tactfully call Skid Row. But that isn’t the freakiness I’m
talking about. In the sideway handicap row in the front of the bus sat an old
gentleman who literally looked like Caesar from Rise of the Planet of the Apes.
I’m not shitting you. This guy looked like a chimpanzee in a tan suit with a
walking stick with a silver-looking handle. Anyway, ten minutes into the trip
Monkeyman exploded into a rage and back handed the four foot tall Japanese lady
sitting on the side row in front of him. A big, buff, Italian guy with a heavy
black mustache and bald head got up to stop him. But Monkeyman (Yes, I am going
to continue to call him that…If that’s not too much of a problem, Chief…) swung
his walking stick at the guy and glared him down. He then told this large man,
who reminded me of Bane from The Dark Knight Risen, that he was a mental
patient with dementia. He then introduced the Japanese lady he had slapped as
his nurse. He warned Italian Bane guy that he was crazy and if he didn’t back
the fuck off that he was going to beat his skull in with the walking stick
because he wasn’t afraid of him and didn’t give a fuck if he killed somebody.
The Japanese lady started yelling at him. Also, the bus driver yelled at him to
back down and take his seat, which also caused the bus driver to nearly hit
another vehicle because he was distracted by the conflict. Monkeyman continued
to threaten Italian Bane. Amusingly enough Italian whimped out a bit and hit
Monkeyman with the “I’ll call the cops” strategy. Monkeyman told him to try,
because he’d knock the cell phone out his hand with his walking stick and beat
the fuck out of him before he could get the call through. Then Monkeyman
informed Italian Bane that he was a crazy fucking black man that hated all I
quote, “… fuckin’ white honky motherfuckers, chinks, spiks, and anyone other
motherfuck on this bus. So don’t fuck with me. I’ll kill you all!” Well, the
bus driver, who was still driving even though he had passed two stops and could
have stopped and dealt with this personally, ordered the Japanese lady to
handle her charge (but not in those words). After a few more moments the tiny
Japanese lady managed to get Monkeyman back into his seat. Italian Bane went
back to his seat too, but Monkeyman wasn’t finished. He kept looking back at
Italian Bane and calling him names and threatening him more. This went on until
finally Italian Bane got tired of Monkeyman’s special attention and came back
to Skid Row with me and my sweaty companion, Jabba. This didn’t stop Monkeyman,
because he was on a roll. He found three other people to harass before I
thankfully got to make my retreat when my stop came.
Now, here is my question in this situation…Where the fuck
was the bus driver in all this. Why the fuck didn’t he stop the bus at the next
stop and deal with this very volatile situation like the captain of any ship
would. I would think that any bus driver worth his metal would have stopped the
bus at the next stop, called his supervisor, and then the cops. Then he would
have gotten in the middle of this standoff and disengaged the situation,
reminding both parties that if they dared touch him or made any aggressive move
against him it would five years in the pokie as some tattooed guy’s bitch (it
says that on a poster next to the driver’s area…though not the part about being
someone’s bitch..). The thing that gets me is this outcome didn’t happen. The
bus driver just kept driving no matter what.
After I got off the bus I called SanTrans (our bus agency)
and reported the situation to their customer service person. When I asked why
the bus driver didn’t stop and take action she informed me that SanTrans had
changed some of their policies in regard to bus schedules and she guessed the
bus driver didn’t want to be late and get penalized. Suddenly, I found myself
channeling my one mentor Mr. Harlan Ellison. I said to her I quote “ Excuse me.
Are you saying that your bus driver was more worried about keeping to his bus
schedule than a potentially life threatening situation happening on his bus?”
She informed me that if a bus is late, according to their policy, by more than
ten minutes driver is penalized thirty minutes pay. I said, “Are you shitting
me. A bus driver has to stop to stop a fight on his bus and protect the safety
of his passengers and you ftards are going to penalize him because his bus is
off schedule because of this…Are you fucking shitting me?” Then of course
customer service girl informed me that she didn’t appreciate my vulgar language.
I informed her in no uncertain terms that I didn’t like the fact that SanTran
is more worried about keeping their damned schedule and the safety of their
drivers than they are the safety of their own passengers. I also reminded her
that an assault had actually happened on the bus. Customer Service girl said,
in a controlled voice, that she was well aware of that. I smacked back with “You
just don’t give a flying fuck...tThat’s the problem.” Then I said that I
honestly hoped that Italian Bane guy (though I didn’t call him that to her) has
some balls and sues SanTran and fucking ends up owning them. Before customer
service girl could make another statement or excuse I told her to go to fucking
hell and hung up on her.
So there is my amusing tale of my public transit experience…What
you think? Is Lucas right? I look forward to your comments, readers…